Day 53: Slight Recovery

Felt really bleak today but then managed to overcome a fear and felt a lot better. Fuck, tired, though. So tired. Bed time.

Day 52: Slight Awakening

Work continued as per usual for this desperate two weeks. Worked on the rhythm composition and that's going well. Also, recorded vox for my song Explanations. Sounds really good too.

Been a weird day, though. Basically realized I'm losing perspective. Need to stay humble and grounded.

Day 51: The Specialisation

I've decided that, until I get all the creative work necessary for my upcoming installation, I'll hit pause on everything else except for domestic and exercise.

Today, failed domestic. Got a lot of work done from a creative standpoint, though. I'm actually really looking forward to when this process is over because it's proving to be a hugely educational experience - I'm learning about arrangement, production, instrumentation, timing, harmony. I know that, when I return to hip hop, I'll be ten times the producer I was before - and I'm excited about what that will mean for my productions.

Tomorrow, I actually record some vox for some hip hop tracks. Scared.

I also plan to outline the compositional philosophy I'm exploring both with this project and my hip hop.

Also, it's fucking hot.

Day 50: Composery

Let's be quick.

Not focussing hugely on employment at the moment. Need to get my current work done. Didn't exercise today (day-off, as is usual for Sundays, but didn't even do the standard half-hour - swimming is getting intense and I think I need a proper break day). Worked on composition for hours but didn't make anywhere near the progress I'd like. Stressed out. Feeling weird.

Day 49: Whoops..

Ah, it was bound to happen eventually. Just plain forgot a day.

Life has gotten ultra-hectic and yesterday that was compounded by the fact that my pay was late and I had to subsist on a couple of dollars. Ate away at me all day.

Even tonight, I'm blogging as my carrots cook and I finish ironing tonight's clothes.

Quickly

Creatively - now have to write two one hour pieces for an installation. Furthered one, started another.

Exercise - nailed it, 100, 60

Work - Failed it. Nada.

Domestic - Fifty-fifty - need to tidy up my room slightly, but cleaned up the house

Logistic - fail. Honestly, though, I don't need any more creative work right now...

Day 47: Flip Flop

Let's keep this brief. It's late and I need to be in bed.

Exercise - 100 freestyle, 40 breaststroke. Feels good.

Domestic - cleaned up house

Creative - the reason I'm up so late is I spent an hour working on a composition. Interestingly, I've just been commissioned to be part of a festival and, somewhat idiotically, I decided I'd do two one-hour compositions in two weeks. I was working on the first one (which is actually coming together quite nicely). This'll be fun...

Logistics - see above. Worked out what I was going to do with festival people.

Jobs - I spent half an hour looking. Hoping I can go visit a recruiter or two in person tomorrow.

Done. Bed time.

Day 46: The Subtitle

Inexplicably very tired. As in, utterly exhausted. I'd suspect it'd be the upped swimming regimen (currently sitting at 100 laps freestyle, 30 laps breaststroke) but that doesn't make much sense. Regardless, I'm knackered, so I'll be brief.

Exercise - see above. Everything else was a bust except logistics. I was working all day. Again, though - better to take care of what I've got than mistreat it for a non-existent future job or career. Logistics wise I made some more appointments for recording and also met up with a friend to discuss my grant application.

Outside of the five categories, I've noticed a situation in my personal life wherein I would like to take action but lack the courage (or have thusfar lacked the courage). This is something that needs to be remedied in the immediate future. Man up.

In the meantime - beddy byes.

Day 45: There We Go

Today was pretty damn good. I wasted a lot of it reading (though I suspect the book I'm reading will prove useful in time) but not so much as to be unproductive. As a matter of fact, I got quite a bit done today.

Exercise

45 minutes swimming. I'm not that fussed on doing more than an hour exercising at the moment. On some level, that relaxed attitude bothers me but, on another, I know an hour of swimming (which is what I'm working towards) six days a week is more than enough to stay healthy and in shape. When I get a more structured lifestyle (see: job), I can work out a little bit more.

Domestic

Cleaned the house, did all the washing up, tidied my room. Bam.

Creative

Continued work on the new song in the designated half hour - added some nice layers of instrumentation (namely organ and kalimba). It's getting a little bit busy but I think it just about works. No idea about how to structure it as yet but that always comes in time. This is what it sounded like yesterday, anway:

Jazzy Demo by M. O'Neill

I am worried I'm reusing too many tricks (the guitar noise, the funk bass, the call/response piano) but that's just part of the ongoing debate I have with myself about style vs repetition.

On another note, I actually started reworking The Gonzo Anthem today. I know I said I wouldn't but, when all my half-hours had been taken care of, I decided to see what I could do - and it's coming together well. The structure is a bit sharper and I've added some more layers of noise. I think it needs some finessing in regards to transitions (and I will have to rewrite the lyrics) but I like where it's heading.

Jobs

Didn't do brilliantly here. Searched for half an hour but couldn't find anything. Actually sought out a recruiter, though, and got in touch. Not sure if anything will come of it but it can't really hurt and it's important for me to try different approaches with this business.

Logistics:

Ha. Owned this shit today. Teed up recording time, worked out a meeting for a multidisciplinary festival I've been asked to perform at and worked out another meeting to discuss a grant application I feel I could really nail. Yeah!

Feeling good. Also, feeling really balanced. Not stressed, not excitable - just chill. Hope to maintain that attitude. Probably won't, though :P 

Day 44: Feelin' Better

I worked mostly today. My computer has been playing up massively so I spent most of the day rewriting articles. Somewhat surprisingly, I ended up writing one of my favourite pieces in a long time. I always find it's a good sign when I'm writing well at work. It seems to indicate a broader creative burst.

Everything else:

Exercise:

Just swimming, but I'm starting to hit 45 minutes, so that's not that big a deal if I don't do extra.

Creative-wise:

Started another song. I realised I need to go back to the simple method of simply powering through songs and getting them finished - rather than trying to fix other songs or work on multiple ideas or editorialise. Get songs finished. If they don't sound good at the end, make sure you don't make the same mistakes. I'd upload today's efforts but I'm too busy choking my incompetent internet provider.

Yes, I'm talking about YOU.

Jobs-wise:

Scanned some adverts but didn't do much else. I justify this by saying today I worked all day. I've realised I need to apply myself more to my current employment if I'm to succeed in future employment.

Domestic-wise:

Minimal stuff - again, working all day - but did a load of washing. Need to clean up tomorrow.

Logistics-wise:

Fail. Need to work on this.

---

Also came to the surprisingly groundbreaking conclusion that if I tried to get ll of this done before lunch every day, I'd probably end up fitting it in each day quite easily. May try and swing it tomorrow.

Day 43: Pull Up, All Craft Pull Up

Ah, that's better.

Either through coincidence or design, that weird, nervy, angry desperation has lifted temporarily. I reached the absolute nadir of despair this morning but then, I went to my father's sixtieth birthday celebrations, I cleared up. I felt a lot better. I think it's important I make an effort to connect and listen to others on a regular basis. It seems to take the edge off.

I have realised that there's an arc to this stuff, though. I've noticed it over the course of the past 43 days. I build up, I break down. There seems to be a general pattern. I'm not sure what to do about it at this point. It might mean I need to work rest into the schedule. It might also mean I simply lack discipline. It's probably a combination of the two. Meditation could be something to seek out.

I've also realised I need to create more consistently. I'm seeing so many amazing things and listening to such amazing music. I feel like I need to kind of leap into the fray and contribute. I can't really explain it. I just feel a desperate need to fill the world with stuff. Quite egotistical, really. I'm worried I never stick to these impulses, though. The difficulty of juggling all these different things is finally starting to hit me.

Daily report:

Exercise: Half-hour, Sunday is a day-off
Everything else: Backburner, really - my dad's sixtieth kind of took over. I'm okay with that, though.  

Day 42: The Breakdown

Things are getting a little desperate - at least for the moment. For the past couple of days, I've been inexplicably moody and short-tempered. Last night (and earlier today, for that matter) I was struck by some urges I thought were well behind me. Furthermore, I've been really self-centred and unfeeling for the past week. Part of this whole improvement process is supposed to relate to being a nice person but I feel I've failed in that this week.

In actual fact, I feel like a failure across the board. I think, in applying for jobs, one starts to get infected by a certain set of perspectives and value systems regarding merit and, by the tenets of such systems, I'm feeling useless.

I feel I should elaborate but it's weird talking about these things.

Daily report:

Exercise - tick
Employment - found a couple of prospects, couldn't bring myself to apply
Creative - composed a short piece of music experimenting with composition and arrangement. Bit of a random experiment but I think it will help me.
Logistics - fucked
Domestic - room, laundry, house, cleaned

At the moment, I feel like I'm treading water. I need to move forward.

I should also relax and chill out.

Day 40: ...

Holy crap. Need to go back to posting these earlier in the day. So tired.

Brief - exercise, cleanliness, jobs = yeah, everything else = nah. Seized by self-destructive urges. Realised I need to be a nicer person.

Lates.

Day 39: Tired

Quick because I'm exhausted.

Work for most of the day, then straight to a concert. Did job hunt. Did 60mins exercise. Did half-hour creative. Nothing else. So tired. Bedtime.

Despairing, though. Full of doubt. Feeling useless.

I imagine a nap will do me good.

Day 38: Progress Paused

Today was a work day. As such, minimal productivity. I did clean my house, do 2/3 of the exercise regimen, sought out some jobs and worked out some meetings for the hip hop stuff but I didn't really advance as far as I would like in any department.

It felt like a good day, though. I discovered a new musical artist called Big Freida - a strange cross-dresser from New Orleans who does a brutally simplistic form of hip hop called Sissy Bounce. I also put in motion a plan that could be something quite significant. I can't go into details but it's big.

Day 37: The Reawakening Continues

We're not at full-strength again yet - but we're getting there.

Exercise:

2/3. No strength but sixty-eight laps of the pool and half an hour on the bike. Hoping to tackle strength again tomorrow.

Employment:

Searching. Didn't find anything but sniffed out some possibilities. Thinking about other things I could be doing. May rework my LinkedIn profile tomorrow if there are no jobs to apply for.

Creativity

Screwing with beats. I spent some time trying to reacquaint myself with rhyme patterns but nothing substantial emerged. I've been thinking a lot about what makes a good lyric.

Domestic

Cleaned up the house. Good thing too, it was getting annoying.

Logistics

Hey - success! I set up some preliminary meetings to discuss career plans and I laid the foundation for some collaboration work.

Bedtime.

I'm weirdly tired these days. Sleeping more than ever but still overtaken by exhaustion. Trying to figure out what it is that's responsible. Perhaps I'm over-sleeping?

Day 36: Gradual Reawakening

Okay, so after spending two days devoted to the one project and another essentially doing nothing, I'm getting back on track. I'm not back on track but I'm getting there. I did swim (and have now cracked sixty laps) but I didn't do the other two exercise regimens. I did half an hour of creative stuff (wherein I programmed an absolutely magnificent beat - hopefully post tomorrow) and an hour on job-hunting. I created a profile on seek.com.au. I don't know if it will help any but I'm hoping it can't hurt. I didn't do much domestic stuff - mainly because I was working for most of the day - and I didn't do much logistics stuff.

Still, getting back on the horse.

I always have to remind myself that these stops and starts, while annoying, are still progress. Previously, when I broke down or lost control, I would drop out for a week or more. Particularly in regards to exercise - I would stop for literally a week. Granted, I haven't done strength exercises in over a week now but I've still exercised every day for about a fortnight. This blog is doing its job.

Day 35: The Forgetfulness...

Ha. Almost went to bed without doing this. That was a close one...

As suggested yesterday, today wasn't about getting much done. I was working most of the day and then I went to an event called Men of Letters in the afternoon. I did exercise and tidy my room up and I spent a half-hour searching for jobs (to little avail) but, other than that, I didn't get much done.

Men of Letters was inspirational, though. It made me realise I should be taking more risks with my life. There was a particularly brilliant letter from a man to his wife of twenty years about how he didn't have any plans or ideas about what to do next after finishing his degree. He's now an internationally successful film-maker. That was reassuring. His love of his wife was also really inspiring. Something about his letter made me feel better about my future. I haven't necessarily been negative about it lately but I suspect next year will be big and that scares me.

In other news, I've decided I'd like to host a radio show again next year.

Day 34: Another Wasted Day

Yeah, today was not spectacularly successful. I spent all of it obsessing on that track pretty much. Even now, I can't stop listening to it.

That said - that track represents a number of significant personal milestones for me. I think it's easily the best thing I've ever done as a musician. I'd elaborate but it feels silly to talk about it when eventually I can just show it to you.

I did do other stuff - cleaned the house, cleaned my room, went for a swim, but didn't really stick to the half hour plan for each category. I'm hoping to pick myself back up on Monday (tomorrow just isn't realistic).

Day 33: An Interesting Experiment

As implied by the title, today was interesting. I spent half of it working on a story for work. Once that was finished, I devoted pretty much my entire day to working on one specific musical experiment. It started with an experiment with beats wherein the kicks fall on the off-beat and when I started idly fucking around with samples, I came up with an idea and just decided to take it as far as I could. I'm pretty damn pleased with the results. It's potentially one of the best things I've ever done. I'm looking forward to finishing it tomorrow and, if the appropriate audiences respond, I'll post it here.

As a result of this, I got very little else done. I did swim but I didn't do any other exercise (mainly on account of having to review a theatre show), I didn't do any cleaning and, while I looked for jobs and found one I could feasibly apply for, I didn't apply for it. I consider today an interesting experiment, though, because I made a conscious decision to forego the standard routine to pursue a specific project and see what would happen. I can feel my resolve wavering tonight, however, which means I'll need to recommit tomorrow. Another experiment for tomorrow - catch-up day. I plan to get back on track tomorrow. Strangely relaxed about it all.

Day 32: Recovery

Going to keep this brief because it's late and I'm exhausted.

Exercised for an hour, tidied house, went to a job interview, applied for another, spent the evening socialising. Did little in regards to creativity.

Night.

Day 31: Work and Depression

This is interesting. Anxious towards the end of last week. Depressed towards the end of this one. Nice to have a sense of balance.

Today was a real struggle. I was at work in one capacity or another from basically 9am-7pm. Doesn't leave much time for other bollocks. That said, I basically made it through the marathon. Dropped the ball once or twice but didn't completely fuck up.

1. Exercise

Only swimming and the bike today. I could give you a lot of reasons for not doing the strength exercises like I should - some of them even legitimate - but I feel it was mainly because it was hard and I was depressed. I will do them tomorrow when my day isn't quite so cluttered, hopefully. I did up the laps to forty today, though, so not a complete waste. That said - I am getting really bummed about my inability to push through my reluctance for weights work.

2. Domestic

Failed. I wasn't home for most of the day so no real opportunities to do the washing up or do any additional cleaning. Still, the house is relatively clean so I'm only marginally bothered by this.

3. Occupation

I have a job interview for tomorrow - so progress in that regard. Also discovered a really cool new job to apply and I plan to apply for it tomorrow.

4. Creative

Didn't expect to get much done today. At the last minute, though, I decided to sketch out a bootleg remix and actually came up with a pretty killer - albeit quite generic - beat and bass groove. Tossing up whether it's too generic to use. It's actually built on a similar pattern to the drum'n'bass beat but with lots of weird little flourishes (and at a completely different time). I'll hopefully find time to post it tomorrow.

5. Logistics

Progress over the past two days - briefly discussed possible venues with an industry friend - but still a weakpoint.

---

Overall, I'm not happy at all with today. I suspect, however, that may just be depression speaking on my behalf. I can't shake these feelings of worthless and this idea that I'm behind schedule in life - that I've wasted my year. I did run into someone on the way home from work who re-emphasised the good work I've done so far but I can't help but think I could be doing more or should be further along the line.

Complete bullshit, of course. Things must proceed at their own rate and I've spent all year improving myself - but I can't shake those feelings.

Day 30: Beyond The Sandline Again

I seemed to manage maintaining this half-hour technique for another day. I have realised, however, that I have way more time on my hands than I thought. I wasted a lot of time today. I think, if I can manage this half-hour routine for a week, I'll up it to an hour a day.

Today's report:

Exercise

Sixty minutes instead of ninety. I could have tackled ninety but I did space out the freeweights before for a reason. I had a strange feeling in my left elbow/arm - and, as much as I was tempted to do the extra freeweights stuff, I didn't want to push myself into injury. Again, I'm going to try it every second for a week and then try and up the ante next week when my body's more acclimatised.

I did go from 32 laps to 36 - so that's a victory.

Domestic

Load of washing, garbage thrown out and dishes washed. I am nailing this. I feel most people think this is a small victory but I'm massively proud of this facet of proceedings - and it's what gives me the confidence to keep going in the other stuff.

Occupation

Applied for another job. In advertising and sales. I consider that a victory. I feel I should write more detailed cover letters, though. I know generic cover letters probably do more harm than good and, while I'm specific enough about the work of each company and why I want to work there, I still feel there's room for improvement.

Creative

Not great today. I spent about an hour simply trying to wrap my head around drum'n'bass programming. It's been a dream of mine to implement drum'n'bass style rhythms into my weird little style but I've never quite grasped it. I don't think I'm there today but I did get closer than I ever have and I think there's potential in this beat. So, not entirely unproductive. Still, I should have been working on lyrics or melodies. I was just procrastinating, really.

DrumnBass Sketch by M. O'Neill

Logistics

Yeah, the weakpoint in this business. I simply don't have anything specific to work towards in this regard. Maybe I should outline some goals. Hmmm...Okay.

1. Re-investigate recording vox for EP
2. Sound out other bands to play launch
3. Talk about launch venues

So, I do have stuff...

---

Again, though - I need to use my time more productively. Squandered a lot of time.

We live and learn.

Day 29: Mission Accomplished...

Well, past the line in the sand, I managed to do just fine. For today, at least. Reporting on the categories.

1. Exercise:

Nailed it. Swam 32 laps of the tiny pool (freestyle), did half an hour on the bike and did freeweights circuit 1. My stroke of genius was doing both the swimming and the bike before breakfast. Juggling three separate sessions of exercise just involved too much willpower and scheduling. So, I split it in two. Bam. My failure was taking 32 minutes to do the weights circuit when I should do it in 30. May seem small but it's important.

2. Domestic:

Cleaned the house. My room remains clean. Bam.

3. Occupation:

Well, lesson learned on this one. The job I was going to go for today was taken down. They weren't kidding about it being a limited time offer. Granted, I saw it on a Saturday and today was a Monday so I probably couldn't have applied in time anyway but still - taught me a lesson.

Other than that, I signed up to ArtsHub to get access to new jobs bulletins in the arts industry, I looked at university websites and browsed new jobs on trusty dusty seek.com.au. I think I need to keep pushing the employment angle - upload my resume, create profiles, so on and so forth. Above and beyond.

4. Creativity

Took a surprising amount of convincing to get me to work on this - thus proving the necessity of the thirty minute method. Made some headway in lyrics, though. I realised, however, that my flow is a bit too cluttered. I'm not going to worry about it for this song (because the point of the song is to make mistakes) but, for the next batch, I want to streamline. I need to write the lyrics in conjunction with the music instead of welding them together.

5. Logistics

Okay, didn't get much done here. Did tee up interviews and reviews for some magazines, though, so that's something.

--

There you have it. Did it. I completely failed on the reading Les Miserables front but, meh, I knew that was going to be a long shot. Something to shoot for later on, anyway.

Let's see if I can pull it off tomorrow (tee hee hee - pull it off...)

Day 28: The Edge of the Plateau

So, theoretically, today marks the end of an era. Namely, the strange, slow, unproductive period I seem to have been mired in over the past week. It's only today I recognised it for what it was.

Every time I've tried to up my game in this productivity business, I've taken it to a certain level and then paused. Often, I've grinded to a temporarily halt. That didn't happen this time. I've never stopped moving. I just haven't been moving as fast as I'd like. Still, it was a definite break. I've kept moving but I've been moving comfortably. Tonight, I got tired of not pushing myself to my utmost. I realised I missed a certain aspect of pain and exhaustion. More than that, I miss restraint and self-control. I've made and broken so many small promises to myself over the past week. No more.

I don't like drawing these lines in the sand. I learnt a long time ago that my contrary nature tends to make me more productive when I don't make a big statement about it. I never told anyone about my plan to lose thirty kilograms in six months until I was five months into the process. I just did it. I think I need to do it this time, though. Mainly because I need to remind myself of my ability to set a goal and achieve it.

So, plan for tomorrow - aim for the 90mins of exercise (including upping the number of laps I do each day by 4 on a daily basis as opposed to 2) and devote a minimum of a half-hour to each of the categories.

To reiterate the categories:

1. Exercise
2. Employment
3. Creativity
4. Domestic
5. Logistical Planning 

I also plan to add a cultual capital aspect to the equation. I need to keep expanding my mind. I'm thinking I'll start with re-reading Les Miserables. I never actually finished the fucking thing. After that, I can work through the other classics in my library. I need to pay closer attention to diet too. I've realised my more relaxed stance of the past couple of weeks makes me tired and groggy at the wrong times. It doesn't make me put on weight but that's not the priority here. I need to be healthy.

Can I do this? I don't know. I know I need to set the bar high, though. When I fall short, I'll still be better than I was before. I just need to remember that failure is built into the system. It's predicated on the assumption that I won't do everything.

As for today's actual progress:

I worked all day so I got nothing done. I did 30min exercise. I did some research on jobs. Really, though, work ate up all my day. That's why today was a breaking point. Or should be, anyway. 

Day 27: Anxiety, Balance, Vague Recovery

I made some slight progress to recovering full fledged productivity today. I went for a swim - and I really need to remember just how fantastic an early morning swim actually makes me feel - and I did some tidying and did a half-hour on the bike. No freeweights but I'll get there.

Most crucially, I found a job to apply for and applied for it then and there. It may have been a bit impetuous but I suspect enthusiasm will win points with these employers. I also found another job that would be really great from a career perspective - entry-level advertising position - and I'll apply for that one tomorrow. Still haven't heard back from dream job but I always knew I'd have to keep submitting other applications if I was to take this seriously.

I'm not really happy with today's results, though. Given I had most of the day free (some family obligations notwithstanding), I could have done a lot more. Contrasting yesterday's post, I've once again been chastising myself about not getting enough done. What always fills my head when people, myself included, talk about doing one's best is the question of how anyone knows what they're really capable of and what's really holding them back.

Like, the only time I've been dead certain I couldn't do better was when I was physically incapacitated and, even then, it took some convincing that I was physically incapacitated. On days like this, I can't help but feel what was holding me back was laziness - and laziness should be easily overcome. What I try and remember is that my work ethic since I started this blog is generally better. Hopefully I can keep moving forward.

In other news, came up with a song concept. Basic idea is 'Can I Borrow Your Scapegoat?' but I think it needs to be more universal - I need to boil down the idea to its fundamental sentiment. It's basically about the Australian Occupy movements pinning their negligible suffering to the more disastrous experiences of the Occupy America movement.

To elaborate, American citizens do get truly, truly destroyed by corporate greed. Australia, as I'm quite fond of pointing out, is completely fucked on a number of levels but corporate greed has been quite kind to us. I resent the idea of someone who is dissatisfied with the fact that they aren't a millionaire comparing their plight to someone who owes one hundred grand at age 25 and is expected to pay it back on tips.

Now, this isn't to say there aren't good people in those movements and that there isn't merit in protesting corporate greed in Australia. I just know there are people attached to the movement who are trying to equate inconvenience with suffering - and not only is that unproductive, it's deeply disrespectful to those afflicted with genuine suffering.

Oh yeah, and anxiety. I just keep burning up these last couple of days. Nervy, panicky energy. If it keeps going I will have to see a doctor.     

Day 26: Clarity

The past couple of days have been stressful and strange. I won't go into the details as to why but I've been an agitated state for a good couple of days. Today, that finally went away. Part of it was simply the catharsis of discussing the details with someone but, mostly, it was a realisation I came to while transcribing an interview with Aloe Blacc.

Aloe Blacc is someone who is a big influence on me. He's best known as a soul singer but he's actually undertaken studies in neuroscience and worked as a strategic business consultant. He's an ambitious man of considerable accomplishment and far-reaching interests whose sole goal in life is to help as many people as he can in the best way possible - which, eventually, is a description I hope to apply to my own work.

I asked him if he felt pressure or apprehension about pursuing music instead of a more 'practical' way of helping people. He said no - 'you do what you can. You do as much as you are capable of doing. You be sincere, you be honest and you try your best'. When I heard that played back on the recording, I felt myself relax. All of the intense anxiety started to evaporate.

I may not have been quite living up to my own demands over the past week or two and I may be having difficulty getting by but I'm trying my best to be a better person. If I'm not there yet, I will be eventually. If I never get to the level I want to get to, I tried and I refuse to believe that trying your best to improve yourself could make you a worse person.

The whole thing reminded me of something Tim Finn once said about songwriting. He said he'd never felt writer's block. If the songs weren't coming, he just waited. Eventually, they did. This is what I kind of need to hold onto - this idea that things will keep moving and progressing without me screaming and stressing all the time. I need to have faith enough in myself to know that I won't let myself slip into squalor or laziness.

It all sounds obvious but it was something I needed to remember - just the basic idea that my only obligation is to keep putting in an effort to be a better, more productive person. As long as I remember that in the really dark, depressive, anxious times, I should be okay.

Ironically, I got fuck all done today. I was working on the cover story in question (Aloe Blacc) and at work for the rest of the day. I didn't exercise because I was exhausted. I think today was a good day, though. If I hadn't sat back and just healed, I would still be stressed out and probably only poisoning future productivity. This way, I'm hoping I can get back into the swing of things tomorrow.

Oh yeah, I did work on some hip hop stuff. I made a strange chiptuney chord progression. I kind of like it but I suspect many won't.... 

Day 25: Anxiety

Didn't get much done today. Completely failed the half-hour thing. Forgot I had a 1400 word cover story due for the next day. Couple that with social obligations and I simply haven't had time to do anything. I did do a half-hour of exercise before breakfast and manage to clean up my house but I didn't get much further than that.

I think I may need to see a doctor. I seem to have an absurd amount of intense energy pumping through my system. It's making life difficult.

Bedtime.

Day 24: Work

As I predicted, I didn't get much done today. I was working all day. I did get out and about and socialise briefly and that was a bit of fun but, aside from some domestic work, I didn't get much done on the productivity front. Exercise-wise, I've thus far done two out of three but I'm still tossing up whether to do the third. I think it might make more sense for me to just settle on the swimming and biking. Still, that feels like a cop out.

In other news, I may be getting sick. This would be most inconvenient. I'm hoping it's just residual complications from four years of dust being evacuated from my room....

Day 23: Clean Fucking Room

Well, my room is clean. This is a massive coup for me. I've occasionally polished it up for inspections and the like but this is the first time - potentially ever - where I actually threw out all the garbage and set up alternate systems in place to ensure it doesn't get that bad again. It isn't perfectly clean as yet - my cupboards still need a spruiking - but it's serviceable.

For those interested in how I went about overhauling a room that had been messy for nearly four years straight, I had four garbage bags going at any given time - one for garbage, one for recycling, one for washing (I washed nearly every piece of clothing I owned so I could restructure how I stored my clothes) and one for clothes to give away to charity. Whenever a bag reached capacity, I'd move it just outside my door and start again. It was a lengthy process - it took me about five days - but it seems to have worked so huzzah.

I didn't get much else done. I did swimming and the bike but I skipped out on the bodyweights stuff both because I needed to get my room finished and because my joints were sore and I decided not to push it. For now, I'm hoping to do strength exercises every second night. When that's good and easy, I'll go back to the full 90mins a day jargon. Maybe. I think, once I up the ante to a solid hour of swimming a day, I may just leave it at that. It's strength and fitness. Something to consider, anyway.

I did additional cleaning around the house but I didn't do anything creative or occupational related. I've been thinking a lot about the need for more structure in this endeavour, though, and I think I may have cracked it. A friend of mine was recently extolling the virtues of my old half-hour method. Prior to this blog, I used to pick tasks I needed done and devote half an hour each day to working on them until they were completed. I did it with exercise and I did it with hip hop. It appeared to work (except for when obsession inevitably took over).

I'm thinking, if I refer back to those categories I came up with at the start and try and do a minimum of thirty mins on each category a day, I should be more productive - and it will stop stuff like bedroom cleaning from taking over my life and stopping my other work. I can't do it tomorrow because I'll be at work pretty much all day but I think I should be able to swing it on Thursday - and then we'll just see how long I can keep it up.

I'm excited. Honestly, having a clean bedroom makes all the difference.