Day 53: Slight Recovery

Felt really bleak today but then managed to overcome a fear and felt a lot better. Fuck, tired, though. So tired. Bed time.

Day 52: Slight Awakening

Work continued as per usual for this desperate two weeks. Worked on the rhythm composition and that's going well. Also, recorded vox for my song Explanations. Sounds really good too.

Been a weird day, though. Basically realized I'm losing perspective. Need to stay humble and grounded.

Day 51: The Specialisation

I've decided that, until I get all the creative work necessary for my upcoming installation, I'll hit pause on everything else except for domestic and exercise.

Today, failed domestic. Got a lot of work done from a creative standpoint, though. I'm actually really looking forward to when this process is over because it's proving to be a hugely educational experience - I'm learning about arrangement, production, instrumentation, timing, harmony. I know that, when I return to hip hop, I'll be ten times the producer I was before - and I'm excited about what that will mean for my productions.

Tomorrow, I actually record some vox for some hip hop tracks. Scared.

I also plan to outline the compositional philosophy I'm exploring both with this project and my hip hop.

Also, it's fucking hot.

Day 50: Composery

Let's be quick.

Not focussing hugely on employment at the moment. Need to get my current work done. Didn't exercise today (day-off, as is usual for Sundays, but didn't even do the standard half-hour - swimming is getting intense and I think I need a proper break day). Worked on composition for hours but didn't make anywhere near the progress I'd like. Stressed out. Feeling weird.

Day 49: Whoops..

Ah, it was bound to happen eventually. Just plain forgot a day.

Life has gotten ultra-hectic and yesterday that was compounded by the fact that my pay was late and I had to subsist on a couple of dollars. Ate away at me all day.

Even tonight, I'm blogging as my carrots cook and I finish ironing tonight's clothes.

Quickly

Creatively - now have to write two one hour pieces for an installation. Furthered one, started another.

Exercise - nailed it, 100, 60

Work - Failed it. Nada.

Domestic - Fifty-fifty - need to tidy up my room slightly, but cleaned up the house

Logistic - fail. Honestly, though, I don't need any more creative work right now...

Day 47: Flip Flop

Let's keep this brief. It's late and I need to be in bed.

Exercise - 100 freestyle, 40 breaststroke. Feels good.

Domestic - cleaned up house

Creative - the reason I'm up so late is I spent an hour working on a composition. Interestingly, I've just been commissioned to be part of a festival and, somewhat idiotically, I decided I'd do two one-hour compositions in two weeks. I was working on the first one (which is actually coming together quite nicely). This'll be fun...

Logistics - see above. Worked out what I was going to do with festival people.

Jobs - I spent half an hour looking. Hoping I can go visit a recruiter or two in person tomorrow.

Done. Bed time.

Day 46: The Subtitle

Inexplicably very tired. As in, utterly exhausted. I'd suspect it'd be the upped swimming regimen (currently sitting at 100 laps freestyle, 30 laps breaststroke) but that doesn't make much sense. Regardless, I'm knackered, so I'll be brief.

Exercise - see above. Everything else was a bust except logistics. I was working all day. Again, though - better to take care of what I've got than mistreat it for a non-existent future job or career. Logistics wise I made some more appointments for recording and also met up with a friend to discuss my grant application.

Outside of the five categories, I've noticed a situation in my personal life wherein I would like to take action but lack the courage (or have thusfar lacked the courage). This is something that needs to be remedied in the immediate future. Man up.

In the meantime - beddy byes.

Day 45: There We Go

Today was pretty damn good. I wasted a lot of it reading (though I suspect the book I'm reading will prove useful in time) but not so much as to be unproductive. As a matter of fact, I got quite a bit done today.

Exercise

45 minutes swimming. I'm not that fussed on doing more than an hour exercising at the moment. On some level, that relaxed attitude bothers me but, on another, I know an hour of swimming (which is what I'm working towards) six days a week is more than enough to stay healthy and in shape. When I get a more structured lifestyle (see: job), I can work out a little bit more.

Domestic

Cleaned the house, did all the washing up, tidied my room. Bam.

Creative

Continued work on the new song in the designated half hour - added some nice layers of instrumentation (namely organ and kalimba). It's getting a little bit busy but I think it just about works. No idea about how to structure it as yet but that always comes in time. This is what it sounded like yesterday, anway:

Jazzy Demo by M. O'Neill

I am worried I'm reusing too many tricks (the guitar noise, the funk bass, the call/response piano) but that's just part of the ongoing debate I have with myself about style vs repetition.

On another note, I actually started reworking The Gonzo Anthem today. I know I said I wouldn't but, when all my half-hours had been taken care of, I decided to see what I could do - and it's coming together well. The structure is a bit sharper and I've added some more layers of noise. I think it needs some finessing in regards to transitions (and I will have to rewrite the lyrics) but I like where it's heading.

Jobs

Didn't do brilliantly here. Searched for half an hour but couldn't find anything. Actually sought out a recruiter, though, and got in touch. Not sure if anything will come of it but it can't really hurt and it's important for me to try different approaches with this business.

Logistics:

Ha. Owned this shit today. Teed up recording time, worked out a meeting for a multidisciplinary festival I've been asked to perform at and worked out another meeting to discuss a grant application I feel I could really nail. Yeah!

Feeling good. Also, feeling really balanced. Not stressed, not excitable - just chill. Hope to maintain that attitude. Probably won't, though :P 

Day 44: Feelin' Better

I worked mostly today. My computer has been playing up massively so I spent most of the day rewriting articles. Somewhat surprisingly, I ended up writing one of my favourite pieces in a long time. I always find it's a good sign when I'm writing well at work. It seems to indicate a broader creative burst.

Everything else:

Exercise:

Just swimming, but I'm starting to hit 45 minutes, so that's not that big a deal if I don't do extra.

Creative-wise:

Started another song. I realised I need to go back to the simple method of simply powering through songs and getting them finished - rather than trying to fix other songs or work on multiple ideas or editorialise. Get songs finished. If they don't sound good at the end, make sure you don't make the same mistakes. I'd upload today's efforts but I'm too busy choking my incompetent internet provider.

Yes, I'm talking about YOU.

Jobs-wise:

Scanned some adverts but didn't do much else. I justify this by saying today I worked all day. I've realised I need to apply myself more to my current employment if I'm to succeed in future employment.

Domestic-wise:

Minimal stuff - again, working all day - but did a load of washing. Need to clean up tomorrow.

Logistics-wise:

Fail. Need to work on this.

---

Also came to the surprisingly groundbreaking conclusion that if I tried to get ll of this done before lunch every day, I'd probably end up fitting it in each day quite easily. May try and swing it tomorrow.

Day 43: Pull Up, All Craft Pull Up

Ah, that's better.

Either through coincidence or design, that weird, nervy, angry desperation has lifted temporarily. I reached the absolute nadir of despair this morning but then, I went to my father's sixtieth birthday celebrations, I cleared up. I felt a lot better. I think it's important I make an effort to connect and listen to others on a regular basis. It seems to take the edge off.

I have realised that there's an arc to this stuff, though. I've noticed it over the course of the past 43 days. I build up, I break down. There seems to be a general pattern. I'm not sure what to do about it at this point. It might mean I need to work rest into the schedule. It might also mean I simply lack discipline. It's probably a combination of the two. Meditation could be something to seek out.

I've also realised I need to create more consistently. I'm seeing so many amazing things and listening to such amazing music. I feel like I need to kind of leap into the fray and contribute. I can't really explain it. I just feel a desperate need to fill the world with stuff. Quite egotistical, really. I'm worried I never stick to these impulses, though. The difficulty of juggling all these different things is finally starting to hit me.

Daily report:

Exercise: Half-hour, Sunday is a day-off
Everything else: Backburner, really - my dad's sixtieth kind of took over. I'm okay with that, though.  

Day 42: The Breakdown

Things are getting a little desperate - at least for the moment. For the past couple of days, I've been inexplicably moody and short-tempered. Last night (and earlier today, for that matter) I was struck by some urges I thought were well behind me. Furthermore, I've been really self-centred and unfeeling for the past week. Part of this whole improvement process is supposed to relate to being a nice person but I feel I've failed in that this week.

In actual fact, I feel like a failure across the board. I think, in applying for jobs, one starts to get infected by a certain set of perspectives and value systems regarding merit and, by the tenets of such systems, I'm feeling useless.

I feel I should elaborate but it's weird talking about these things.

Daily report:

Exercise - tick
Employment - found a couple of prospects, couldn't bring myself to apply
Creative - composed a short piece of music experimenting with composition and arrangement. Bit of a random experiment but I think it will help me.
Logistics - fucked
Domestic - room, laundry, house, cleaned

At the moment, I feel like I'm treading water. I need to move forward.

I should also relax and chill out.

Day 40: ...

Holy crap. Need to go back to posting these earlier in the day. So tired.

Brief - exercise, cleanliness, jobs = yeah, everything else = nah. Seized by self-destructive urges. Realised I need to be a nicer person.

Lates.

Day 39: Tired

Quick because I'm exhausted.

Work for most of the day, then straight to a concert. Did job hunt. Did 60mins exercise. Did half-hour creative. Nothing else. So tired. Bedtime.

Despairing, though. Full of doubt. Feeling useless.

I imagine a nap will do me good.

Day 38: Progress Paused

Today was a work day. As such, minimal productivity. I did clean my house, do 2/3 of the exercise regimen, sought out some jobs and worked out some meetings for the hip hop stuff but I didn't really advance as far as I would like in any department.

It felt like a good day, though. I discovered a new musical artist called Big Freida - a strange cross-dresser from New Orleans who does a brutally simplistic form of hip hop called Sissy Bounce. I also put in motion a plan that could be something quite significant. I can't go into details but it's big.

Day 37: The Reawakening Continues

We're not at full-strength again yet - but we're getting there.

Exercise:

2/3. No strength but sixty-eight laps of the pool and half an hour on the bike. Hoping to tackle strength again tomorrow.

Employment:

Searching. Didn't find anything but sniffed out some possibilities. Thinking about other things I could be doing. May rework my LinkedIn profile tomorrow if there are no jobs to apply for.

Creativity

Screwing with beats. I spent some time trying to reacquaint myself with rhyme patterns but nothing substantial emerged. I've been thinking a lot about what makes a good lyric.

Domestic

Cleaned up the house. Good thing too, it was getting annoying.

Logistics

Hey - success! I set up some preliminary meetings to discuss career plans and I laid the foundation for some collaboration work.

Bedtime.

I'm weirdly tired these days. Sleeping more than ever but still overtaken by exhaustion. Trying to figure out what it is that's responsible. Perhaps I'm over-sleeping?

Day 36: Gradual Reawakening

Okay, so after spending two days devoted to the one project and another essentially doing nothing, I'm getting back on track. I'm not back on track but I'm getting there. I did swim (and have now cracked sixty laps) but I didn't do the other two exercise regimens. I did half an hour of creative stuff (wherein I programmed an absolutely magnificent beat - hopefully post tomorrow) and an hour on job-hunting. I created a profile on seek.com.au. I don't know if it will help any but I'm hoping it can't hurt. I didn't do much domestic stuff - mainly because I was working for most of the day - and I didn't do much logistics stuff.

Still, getting back on the horse.

I always have to remind myself that these stops and starts, while annoying, are still progress. Previously, when I broke down or lost control, I would drop out for a week or more. Particularly in regards to exercise - I would stop for literally a week. Granted, I haven't done strength exercises in over a week now but I've still exercised every day for about a fortnight. This blog is doing its job.

Day 35: The Forgetfulness...

Ha. Almost went to bed without doing this. That was a close one...

As suggested yesterday, today wasn't about getting much done. I was working most of the day and then I went to an event called Men of Letters in the afternoon. I did exercise and tidy my room up and I spent a half-hour searching for jobs (to little avail) but, other than that, I didn't get much done.

Men of Letters was inspirational, though. It made me realise I should be taking more risks with my life. There was a particularly brilliant letter from a man to his wife of twenty years about how he didn't have any plans or ideas about what to do next after finishing his degree. He's now an internationally successful film-maker. That was reassuring. His love of his wife was also really inspiring. Something about his letter made me feel better about my future. I haven't necessarily been negative about it lately but I suspect next year will be big and that scares me.

In other news, I've decided I'd like to host a radio show again next year.

Day 34: Another Wasted Day

Yeah, today was not spectacularly successful. I spent all of it obsessing on that track pretty much. Even now, I can't stop listening to it.

That said - that track represents a number of significant personal milestones for me. I think it's easily the best thing I've ever done as a musician. I'd elaborate but it feels silly to talk about it when eventually I can just show it to you.

I did do other stuff - cleaned the house, cleaned my room, went for a swim, but didn't really stick to the half hour plan for each category. I'm hoping to pick myself back up on Monday (tomorrow just isn't realistic).

Day 33: An Interesting Experiment

As implied by the title, today was interesting. I spent half of it working on a story for work. Once that was finished, I devoted pretty much my entire day to working on one specific musical experiment. It started with an experiment with beats wherein the kicks fall on the off-beat and when I started idly fucking around with samples, I came up with an idea and just decided to take it as far as I could. I'm pretty damn pleased with the results. It's potentially one of the best things I've ever done. I'm looking forward to finishing it tomorrow and, if the appropriate audiences respond, I'll post it here.

As a result of this, I got very little else done. I did swim but I didn't do any other exercise (mainly on account of having to review a theatre show), I didn't do any cleaning and, while I looked for jobs and found one I could feasibly apply for, I didn't apply for it. I consider today an interesting experiment, though, because I made a conscious decision to forego the standard routine to pursue a specific project and see what would happen. I can feel my resolve wavering tonight, however, which means I'll need to recommit tomorrow. Another experiment for tomorrow - catch-up day. I plan to get back on track tomorrow. Strangely relaxed about it all.

Day 32: Recovery

Going to keep this brief because it's late and I'm exhausted.

Exercised for an hour, tidied house, went to a job interview, applied for another, spent the evening socialising. Did little in regards to creativity.

Night.

Day 31: Work and Depression

This is interesting. Anxious towards the end of last week. Depressed towards the end of this one. Nice to have a sense of balance.

Today was a real struggle. I was at work in one capacity or another from basically 9am-7pm. Doesn't leave much time for other bollocks. That said, I basically made it through the marathon. Dropped the ball once or twice but didn't completely fuck up.

1. Exercise

Only swimming and the bike today. I could give you a lot of reasons for not doing the strength exercises like I should - some of them even legitimate - but I feel it was mainly because it was hard and I was depressed. I will do them tomorrow when my day isn't quite so cluttered, hopefully. I did up the laps to forty today, though, so not a complete waste. That said - I am getting really bummed about my inability to push through my reluctance for weights work.

2. Domestic

Failed. I wasn't home for most of the day so no real opportunities to do the washing up or do any additional cleaning. Still, the house is relatively clean so I'm only marginally bothered by this.

3. Occupation

I have a job interview for tomorrow - so progress in that regard. Also discovered a really cool new job to apply and I plan to apply for it tomorrow.

4. Creative

Didn't expect to get much done today. At the last minute, though, I decided to sketch out a bootleg remix and actually came up with a pretty killer - albeit quite generic - beat and bass groove. Tossing up whether it's too generic to use. It's actually built on a similar pattern to the drum'n'bass beat but with lots of weird little flourishes (and at a completely different time). I'll hopefully find time to post it tomorrow.

5. Logistics

Progress over the past two days - briefly discussed possible venues with an industry friend - but still a weakpoint.

---

Overall, I'm not happy at all with today. I suspect, however, that may just be depression speaking on my behalf. I can't shake these feelings of worthless and this idea that I'm behind schedule in life - that I've wasted my year. I did run into someone on the way home from work who re-emphasised the good work I've done so far but I can't help but think I could be doing more or should be further along the line.

Complete bullshit, of course. Things must proceed at their own rate and I've spent all year improving myself - but I can't shake those feelings.

Day 30: Beyond The Sandline Again

I seemed to manage maintaining this half-hour technique for another day. I have realised, however, that I have way more time on my hands than I thought. I wasted a lot of time today. I think, if I can manage this half-hour routine for a week, I'll up it to an hour a day.

Today's report:

Exercise

Sixty minutes instead of ninety. I could have tackled ninety but I did space out the freeweights before for a reason. I had a strange feeling in my left elbow/arm - and, as much as I was tempted to do the extra freeweights stuff, I didn't want to push myself into injury. Again, I'm going to try it every second for a week and then try and up the ante next week when my body's more acclimatised.

I did go from 32 laps to 36 - so that's a victory.

Domestic

Load of washing, garbage thrown out and dishes washed. I am nailing this. I feel most people think this is a small victory but I'm massively proud of this facet of proceedings - and it's what gives me the confidence to keep going in the other stuff.

Occupation

Applied for another job. In advertising and sales. I consider that a victory. I feel I should write more detailed cover letters, though. I know generic cover letters probably do more harm than good and, while I'm specific enough about the work of each company and why I want to work there, I still feel there's room for improvement.

Creative

Not great today. I spent about an hour simply trying to wrap my head around drum'n'bass programming. It's been a dream of mine to implement drum'n'bass style rhythms into my weird little style but I've never quite grasped it. I don't think I'm there today but I did get closer than I ever have and I think there's potential in this beat. So, not entirely unproductive. Still, I should have been working on lyrics or melodies. I was just procrastinating, really.

DrumnBass Sketch by M. O'Neill

Logistics

Yeah, the weakpoint in this business. I simply don't have anything specific to work towards in this regard. Maybe I should outline some goals. Hmmm...Okay.

1. Re-investigate recording vox for EP
2. Sound out other bands to play launch
3. Talk about launch venues

So, I do have stuff...

---

Again, though - I need to use my time more productively. Squandered a lot of time.

We live and learn.

Day 29: Mission Accomplished...

Well, past the line in the sand, I managed to do just fine. For today, at least. Reporting on the categories.

1. Exercise:

Nailed it. Swam 32 laps of the tiny pool (freestyle), did half an hour on the bike and did freeweights circuit 1. My stroke of genius was doing both the swimming and the bike before breakfast. Juggling three separate sessions of exercise just involved too much willpower and scheduling. So, I split it in two. Bam. My failure was taking 32 minutes to do the weights circuit when I should do it in 30. May seem small but it's important.

2. Domestic:

Cleaned the house. My room remains clean. Bam.

3. Occupation:

Well, lesson learned on this one. The job I was going to go for today was taken down. They weren't kidding about it being a limited time offer. Granted, I saw it on a Saturday and today was a Monday so I probably couldn't have applied in time anyway but still - taught me a lesson.

Other than that, I signed up to ArtsHub to get access to new jobs bulletins in the arts industry, I looked at university websites and browsed new jobs on trusty dusty seek.com.au. I think I need to keep pushing the employment angle - upload my resume, create profiles, so on and so forth. Above and beyond.

4. Creativity

Took a surprising amount of convincing to get me to work on this - thus proving the necessity of the thirty minute method. Made some headway in lyrics, though. I realised, however, that my flow is a bit too cluttered. I'm not going to worry about it for this song (because the point of the song is to make mistakes) but, for the next batch, I want to streamline. I need to write the lyrics in conjunction with the music instead of welding them together.

5. Logistics

Okay, didn't get much done here. Did tee up interviews and reviews for some magazines, though, so that's something.

--

There you have it. Did it. I completely failed on the reading Les Miserables front but, meh, I knew that was going to be a long shot. Something to shoot for later on, anyway.

Let's see if I can pull it off tomorrow (tee hee hee - pull it off...)

Day 28: The Edge of the Plateau

So, theoretically, today marks the end of an era. Namely, the strange, slow, unproductive period I seem to have been mired in over the past week. It's only today I recognised it for what it was.

Every time I've tried to up my game in this productivity business, I've taken it to a certain level and then paused. Often, I've grinded to a temporarily halt. That didn't happen this time. I've never stopped moving. I just haven't been moving as fast as I'd like. Still, it was a definite break. I've kept moving but I've been moving comfortably. Tonight, I got tired of not pushing myself to my utmost. I realised I missed a certain aspect of pain and exhaustion. More than that, I miss restraint and self-control. I've made and broken so many small promises to myself over the past week. No more.

I don't like drawing these lines in the sand. I learnt a long time ago that my contrary nature tends to make me more productive when I don't make a big statement about it. I never told anyone about my plan to lose thirty kilograms in six months until I was five months into the process. I just did it. I think I need to do it this time, though. Mainly because I need to remind myself of my ability to set a goal and achieve it.

So, plan for tomorrow - aim for the 90mins of exercise (including upping the number of laps I do each day by 4 on a daily basis as opposed to 2) and devote a minimum of a half-hour to each of the categories.

To reiterate the categories:

1. Exercise
2. Employment
3. Creativity
4. Domestic
5. Logistical Planning 

I also plan to add a cultual capital aspect to the equation. I need to keep expanding my mind. I'm thinking I'll start with re-reading Les Miserables. I never actually finished the fucking thing. After that, I can work through the other classics in my library. I need to pay closer attention to diet too. I've realised my more relaxed stance of the past couple of weeks makes me tired and groggy at the wrong times. It doesn't make me put on weight but that's not the priority here. I need to be healthy.

Can I do this? I don't know. I know I need to set the bar high, though. When I fall short, I'll still be better than I was before. I just need to remember that failure is built into the system. It's predicated on the assumption that I won't do everything.

As for today's actual progress:

I worked all day so I got nothing done. I did 30min exercise. I did some research on jobs. Really, though, work ate up all my day. That's why today was a breaking point. Or should be, anyway. 

Day 27: Anxiety, Balance, Vague Recovery

I made some slight progress to recovering full fledged productivity today. I went for a swim - and I really need to remember just how fantastic an early morning swim actually makes me feel - and I did some tidying and did a half-hour on the bike. No freeweights but I'll get there.

Most crucially, I found a job to apply for and applied for it then and there. It may have been a bit impetuous but I suspect enthusiasm will win points with these employers. I also found another job that would be really great from a career perspective - entry-level advertising position - and I'll apply for that one tomorrow. Still haven't heard back from dream job but I always knew I'd have to keep submitting other applications if I was to take this seriously.

I'm not really happy with today's results, though. Given I had most of the day free (some family obligations notwithstanding), I could have done a lot more. Contrasting yesterday's post, I've once again been chastising myself about not getting enough done. What always fills my head when people, myself included, talk about doing one's best is the question of how anyone knows what they're really capable of and what's really holding them back.

Like, the only time I've been dead certain I couldn't do better was when I was physically incapacitated and, even then, it took some convincing that I was physically incapacitated. On days like this, I can't help but feel what was holding me back was laziness - and laziness should be easily overcome. What I try and remember is that my work ethic since I started this blog is generally better. Hopefully I can keep moving forward.

In other news, came up with a song concept. Basic idea is 'Can I Borrow Your Scapegoat?' but I think it needs to be more universal - I need to boil down the idea to its fundamental sentiment. It's basically about the Australian Occupy movements pinning their negligible suffering to the more disastrous experiences of the Occupy America movement.

To elaborate, American citizens do get truly, truly destroyed by corporate greed. Australia, as I'm quite fond of pointing out, is completely fucked on a number of levels but corporate greed has been quite kind to us. I resent the idea of someone who is dissatisfied with the fact that they aren't a millionaire comparing their plight to someone who owes one hundred grand at age 25 and is expected to pay it back on tips.

Now, this isn't to say there aren't good people in those movements and that there isn't merit in protesting corporate greed in Australia. I just know there are people attached to the movement who are trying to equate inconvenience with suffering - and not only is that unproductive, it's deeply disrespectful to those afflicted with genuine suffering.

Oh yeah, and anxiety. I just keep burning up these last couple of days. Nervy, panicky energy. If it keeps going I will have to see a doctor.     

Day 26: Clarity

The past couple of days have been stressful and strange. I won't go into the details as to why but I've been an agitated state for a good couple of days. Today, that finally went away. Part of it was simply the catharsis of discussing the details with someone but, mostly, it was a realisation I came to while transcribing an interview with Aloe Blacc.

Aloe Blacc is someone who is a big influence on me. He's best known as a soul singer but he's actually undertaken studies in neuroscience and worked as a strategic business consultant. He's an ambitious man of considerable accomplishment and far-reaching interests whose sole goal in life is to help as many people as he can in the best way possible - which, eventually, is a description I hope to apply to my own work.

I asked him if he felt pressure or apprehension about pursuing music instead of a more 'practical' way of helping people. He said no - 'you do what you can. You do as much as you are capable of doing. You be sincere, you be honest and you try your best'. When I heard that played back on the recording, I felt myself relax. All of the intense anxiety started to evaporate.

I may not have been quite living up to my own demands over the past week or two and I may be having difficulty getting by but I'm trying my best to be a better person. If I'm not there yet, I will be eventually. If I never get to the level I want to get to, I tried and I refuse to believe that trying your best to improve yourself could make you a worse person.

The whole thing reminded me of something Tim Finn once said about songwriting. He said he'd never felt writer's block. If the songs weren't coming, he just waited. Eventually, they did. This is what I kind of need to hold onto - this idea that things will keep moving and progressing without me screaming and stressing all the time. I need to have faith enough in myself to know that I won't let myself slip into squalor or laziness.

It all sounds obvious but it was something I needed to remember - just the basic idea that my only obligation is to keep putting in an effort to be a better, more productive person. As long as I remember that in the really dark, depressive, anxious times, I should be okay.

Ironically, I got fuck all done today. I was working on the cover story in question (Aloe Blacc) and at work for the rest of the day. I didn't exercise because I was exhausted. I think today was a good day, though. If I hadn't sat back and just healed, I would still be stressed out and probably only poisoning future productivity. This way, I'm hoping I can get back into the swing of things tomorrow.

Oh yeah, I did work on some hip hop stuff. I made a strange chiptuney chord progression. I kind of like it but I suspect many won't.... 

Day 25: Anxiety

Didn't get much done today. Completely failed the half-hour thing. Forgot I had a 1400 word cover story due for the next day. Couple that with social obligations and I simply haven't had time to do anything. I did do a half-hour of exercise before breakfast and manage to clean up my house but I didn't get much further than that.

I think I may need to see a doctor. I seem to have an absurd amount of intense energy pumping through my system. It's making life difficult.

Bedtime.

Day 24: Work

As I predicted, I didn't get much done today. I was working all day. I did get out and about and socialise briefly and that was a bit of fun but, aside from some domestic work, I didn't get much done on the productivity front. Exercise-wise, I've thus far done two out of three but I'm still tossing up whether to do the third. I think it might make more sense for me to just settle on the swimming and biking. Still, that feels like a cop out.

In other news, I may be getting sick. This would be most inconvenient. I'm hoping it's just residual complications from four years of dust being evacuated from my room....

Day 23: Clean Fucking Room

Well, my room is clean. This is a massive coup for me. I've occasionally polished it up for inspections and the like but this is the first time - potentially ever - where I actually threw out all the garbage and set up alternate systems in place to ensure it doesn't get that bad again. It isn't perfectly clean as yet - my cupboards still need a spruiking - but it's serviceable.

For those interested in how I went about overhauling a room that had been messy for nearly four years straight, I had four garbage bags going at any given time - one for garbage, one for recycling, one for washing (I washed nearly every piece of clothing I owned so I could restructure how I stored my clothes) and one for clothes to give away to charity. Whenever a bag reached capacity, I'd move it just outside my door and start again. It was a lengthy process - it took me about five days - but it seems to have worked so huzzah.

I didn't get much else done. I did swimming and the bike but I skipped out on the bodyweights stuff both because I needed to get my room finished and because my joints were sore and I decided not to push it. For now, I'm hoping to do strength exercises every second night. When that's good and easy, I'll go back to the full 90mins a day jargon. Maybe. I think, once I up the ante to a solid hour of swimming a day, I may just leave it at that. It's strength and fitness. Something to consider, anyway.

I did additional cleaning around the house but I didn't do anything creative or occupational related. I've been thinking a lot about the need for more structure in this endeavour, though, and I think I may have cracked it. A friend of mine was recently extolling the virtues of my old half-hour method. Prior to this blog, I used to pick tasks I needed done and devote half an hour each day to working on them until they were completed. I did it with exercise and I did it with hip hop. It appeared to work (except for when obsession inevitably took over).

I'm thinking, if I refer back to those categories I came up with at the start and try and do a minimum of thirty mins on each category a day, I should be more productive - and it will stop stuff like bedroom cleaning from taking over my life and stopping my other work. I can't do it tomorrow because I'll be at work pretty much all day but I think I should be able to swing it on Thursday - and then we'll just see how long I can keep it up.

I'm excited. Honestly, having a clean bedroom makes all the difference.   

Day 22: Back To It (+Beats)

Things appear to have straightened out somewhat. Not quite back to maximum productivity but I managed 90mins of exercise, I continued the mammoth task of tidying my room (and hope to have it finished tomorrow), cleaned my house, looked for jobs and finalised a beat. Hopefully I can keep this up. I do think I need more structure for this to work, though. I think I should also keep a weekly or monthly eye on how things are going in different areas - evaluate what works and what doesn't. Things to consider.

Given this was meant to be as much a creative diary as a general improvement one, I thought I'd upload some of the beats I've been working on and talk about them. I've got two I think I'll develop into full songs. My aim is to have two additional songs written by the time of my next gig - so, with these beats lined up, I'm going to stop fucking around with random ideas and work solely on the ideas that I currently have at my disposal.

Here are the two beats:

Idiot Mission Demo by M. O'Neill

This is the more developed. I was aiming for something upbeat and celebratory. Don't think I quite got there but the general funkiness and layering of sounds is very much the kind of sound world I want to create. It's probably the closest I've ever come to directly ripping off Public Enemy but I think there's enough quirk to it to stand apart. The big bassy sounds in the drums are Taikos. I fucking love Taikos.

There are lyrics to this (or a verse, at least) but I'm not ready to share them yet.

Melty Song Beat and Bass by M. O'Neill

Beat two. Only really finalised this rhythm today. It's my experiment in minimalism. As most anyone who has met me knows, my vision for my music is one of ten thousand ideas exploding at once. I still plan to explore that with this track but I've learnt - some would say somewhat reluctantly - that it is literally impossible to build a functional hip hop track (ie, one that makes people want to dance) without a balnce of simple and complex ideas (both musically and lyrically). If you make one element complicated, it tends to force another into simplicity. One of my missions for my music is to create lush, melodically dense works. I think this could be a good vehicle for that. Also, every song I've written has me rapping at a million words a minute. Time to scale it back and see if I can handle a slower BPM.

I quite like the bass for it. It needs mixing (it's a synth fed through guitar distortion) but I like the heavy, funky vibe it gives the song. I can see the song turning into a dark, throbbing kind of number.

I'm almost always wrong, though, so let's see what happens.

Day 21: Wallowing

Speaking bluntly, I'm just a bit of a mess right now. I had a lot of things I was thinking of talking about in today's entry but I don't really have the focus or the willpower - which is one of the many things that are messifying me.

Over the past couple of weeks, I've noticed something about how I conduct myself socially (and generally, for that matter). I just seem to have an absurd amount of energy and less control. I ramble on and reveal things I shouldn't and just act bizarrely. It's not typical for me. It was, at a time, but it hasn't been the case for a long while. It's strange. I feel this anxious euphoria around people. It's this terrifying sprint of insanity. What bothers me about it is that it's very much how I was towards the end of high school. I found a whole bunch of poems I wrote in high school while tidying my room. and they outlined a whole bunch of problems I'm still dealing with - it fills you with this fear that you're standing still.

Intellectually, I know I'm not, but that fear gets to you.

General report:

Didn't exercise at all today. Too fucked from yesterday. Kept working on the room tidying - it's a much bigger job than I thought it would be - and tidied the house. Otherwise, chilled out. Bit of a wasted day but it's been a really emotional couple of days and I realised I just needed to stop and deal with that for a day. I'm hoping to be back on the horse tomorrow. I suspect, though, that rain is going to fuck my day. Hopefully not.

Day 20: Socialising

Exercised 2/3 again. Was at a festival from pretty much midday to 10pm, and then a party from 10-midnight. Weird night. Fucking tired. Sleep time.

Day 19: The Torpor Continues

I'm pretty tired so this will be brief.

I haven't finished my room but I've made progress culling and sorting my clothes. The rest of my house is relatively clean. I workshopped my job application and submitted it and I think I've given myself the best chance I could - I really hope I get it. I tinkered with a new beat, trying to make the smallest, tightest groove I could. It's still a little fiddly but it's much simpler than my other stuff. Excited to rap over it.

Exercise-wise, I skimped out on weights again but I think one more day of recovery will do me good (and I did the other stuff). I need to pick it back up tomorrow, though. That's the goal.

Man, so tired. Bedtime.

Day 18: Domestic Dominance

The question I'm asking myself right now is - am I developing a sensible work ethic at the moment? Or am I just getting lazier?

Today, I skimped out on one third of the exercise regimen. I did the swimming and the bike but I didn't do the strength exercises. Intellectually, I know this was the reasonable option. I have pains all over my body - and particularly in my knee joints - so it would have been unwise to do anything high-impact. I can't help but feel I'm getting lazier, though.

This isn't just in regards to exercise. I haven't been burning myself out on anything or obsessing over any particular detail of anything. I'm not that fussed all I did was swim yesterday. I'm not that bothered I didn't make much music today (though I did FINALLY figure out how to program a bog-standard drum'n'bass pattern - which is something I've been trying to do for YEARS). Am I becoming a sensible little worker bee? Or a lazy one?

It honestly bothers me. I feel I should be doing more - working harder, faster and smarter. It's hard to know what the barometer is, really. I made the mistake of reading an eminem interview where, in the wake of rehab, he was so obsessed he ran up to 28kms daily. Compare that with my 10kms a day and I look like a lightweight. Compare my 10kms with practically anyone I know, though, and I look like a marathon runner. Same with all my endeavours, really.

People tell me all the time how driven I am and they kind of marvel at my willpower but I can't help but question if I'm actually pushing myself. Physically, I must be - otherwise I wouldn't have so much pain - but intellectually, emotionally, creatively...? Like I said, I feel I should be doing more. Am I nuts?

Today wasn't actually a waste. I spent most of it working on my bedroom. I haven't cleaned my room more than three times since I moved into my house. It's always been a cluttered disaster. So, as part of this whole comprehensive self-improvement mission, I've decided to clean the bastard - and keep it clean. All my successes in keeping my house clean have given me the confidence to say I can do it with my room as well. I plan to have a sock drawer, an underpants drawer, cupboards and shelves by the end of the week.

You have no idea how proud of myself I am for this, just by the way. I feel like I'm really improving myself as a person - getting more disciplined and mature. Perhaps that's lame. I don't care, though. I'm doing something I never thought I'd be able to do before and that's a pretty big deal to me.

In regards to the other stuff, I didn't get massive amounts done. Exercise, yeah, (two out of three, anyway) and, obviously, the domestic stuff. No job application stuff but it's in the schedule. Tomorrow's plans are to finish and submit a job application and finish my room. Creatively, I didn't invest much time in anything specific. I was just trying to wrap my head around drum'n'bass.

I've decided my priority needs to be a job, though. Once I have a concrete job, I can sort my life out and really invest myself in this whole self-improvement thing. I'm looking forward to learning guitar and ballet and french and all of it. Before any of that, though, I need a solid job. So, I'm going to goddamn get one.     

Day 17: The STORY IDEA

Work day today. Didn't get a great deal done in regards to productivity - particularly since I went straight from work to socialising. I did swim and I was all set up to do some more exercise on top of that but a quick burst of rain swiftly dampened my spirit. Honestly, I'm glad it did. I was sore all over and I need to catch up on sleep. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little bummed but, as I've said before, the point of this blog is to develop a sensible work ethic - and mindlessly grasping to a schedule just for the sake of it is not sensible at all. Eventually, if it hasn't already, it will become unhealthy.

Far from a wasted day, though. Aside from all the work I got done for my actual jobs, I FINALLY came up with the sketchings of a story idea for the play I want to write. I've been kind of sitting around waiting for something to enter my head for a couple of weeks now and I'd actually decided today that I needed to start writing regardless of whether I had a clue or not - just to get the juices flowing - but, in a weird domino effect, I pieced together some kind of set-up. I individually thought of a handful of interesting ideas and then, as I was leaving work, they kind of just collided and exploded together in my head.

The basic run of ideas started with me thinking about the concept of my phone not working and me thinking it was (and vice versa). I'm not proud to admit it came to me while I was wondering if people were ignoring my messages (hey, none of us are immune to a little insecurity). I got fascinated by this idea of things being broken without you realising they're broken - because you don't actually know what they're supposed to be doing. Following that, I found myself on a bus wondering what day of the week it was and wondering how it would feel if I went to bed on a Monday and just randomly found myself on the way to work on a Friday.

I combined these with two other ideas I'd had (about a professor living in a world where everyone speaks in pure gibberish and a taxi driver who never, ever, ever gets a customer) and just some general fascinations (the concept that the internet has meant no-one will ever fully forget us, even if we would like them to do so) and, eventually, they all kind of fell into place. I'm still working out the particulars but the general idea is a man realises that he has no way of knowing if his friends are dead or alive and spends the play trying to figure out which of his friends are alive and which of them simply seem to be alive due to their online presence.

It kind of hinges on the concept of facebook ghosts. A high school friend of mine committed suicide a couple of years back and I used to get messages from facebook asking why we hadn't spoken in a while. His profile still exists. There's another urban legend about a kid whose mum died - where the kid discovers his mum had sent him a message every day on the game Animal Crossing. It's reputed to be a misunderstanding but it's an interesting idea. With a combination of answering machines, facebook, blogs, scheduled emails, auto-reply - how long could someone live after death online?

That's the basic premise. I think it's a big breakthrough. I feel better about not being quite so productive in other areas having come up with it.

Day 16: The Comedown

Okay, today was less successful than yesterday. Clean house, 90mins exercise and I appear to have secured someone to mix my EP (plus I managed to pull off some brilliant last minute work in my actual job) but I didn't quite get to what I wanted to get to - namely, cleaning my room and working on a job application. Also, lyrics. I did lots of arsing about with beats but no lyrics.

I will, of course, get to it all. This blog is doing the trick. I am raising my standards. I'm just annoyed I'm not there yet. I think that's a part of this process, though. I'm watching Scrubs right now and thinking of that Dr Cox quote: "That minute you look at yourself and in the mirror and are happy with what you see - you just lost the battle"

Obviously, that's a stupid philosophy in regards to vanity and it's not healthy to be disappointed in yourself all the time - ego, as Skyhooks sang, is not a dirty word - but there's something to be said about always aiming a little bit above your capacity. I am not a machine. I will never be able to work 24/7 - as much as I may like to - but if I aim to work beyond what I perceive to be my own capacity, I'll more than likely exceed my own expectations.

That all sounds like wanky claptrap but I'm tired and just rambling.

I really, really need to remember to do these earlier in the day.

Day 15: And We're Back!

Wicked. Didn't get everything done today but I was back on top energy wise and I got a sufficient amount of things done. My house is tidy, I did the 90 minutes of exercise, I emailed a whole bunch of people about important creative stuff and I laid the foundations for another job application. I also tried to work on music some more but I didn't come up with anything noteworthy. Oh yeah, and I accidentally ended up at the launch of a Brisbane theatre company's 2012 season drenched in sweat in full exercise gear. I love it when shit like that happens.

Basically, I had a good day.

I've had a lot of thoughts, though. Namely, do I expect too much of myself? How does my desperate need to always be working actually affect my relationships with others? Lots of others too but I'm tired and have forgotten what they are...

Bedtime.

Day 14: The Burnout

I figured something out today: I genuinely need to socialise. Not to be happy or healthy (though I'm sure both of those states would be more easily attained with assistance) but to function. All of my general companions are currently interstate or deposed. As a result, I idled today away in isolation. My focus and energy plummeted. I was depressed, anxious and irrational for most of the day.

I remembered that the different between an extrovert and introvert is not the disposition of the individual but from where they draw their energy. Introverts are sustained by themselves in isolation. Extroverts draw their energy from other people. I have always been an extrovert. With no-one around, I'm not as focussed.

I did do the domestic stuff and I was actually quite successfully musically - I reworked a beat, wrote a killer bass-line and did all the extra layers of sampling I need to do for a song to work in my style - but I didn't exercise and my mood was just rubbish all day. It wasn't until I spontaneously reconnected with an old friend at the end of the day that I got my verve back.

I also think I was just burnt out from forcing myself for a couple of weeks. I probably needed rest. So, I rested. Tomorrow, though - tomorrow I return to working hard.

I seem to be saying that a lot...

Day 13: The Lull

Things I learnt today (or, at least, was re-acquainted with):

1. He who rides a tiger cannot dismount

I enjoyed relaxing and chilling out yesterday - which meant I ended up copping out on swimming this morning. Even the slightest break can make it harder to return to the saddle, so to speak. I did do 90mins of exercise but it was a struggle and maintaining momentum in other areas was equally difficult (I intended to apply for three jobs - I applied for one, badly).

2. Moving Slowly is Still Moving

I have a problem. I think, unless I'm hitting something at full force and maximum velocity, I'm being lazy. There is a point to gradual development, though. The aforementioned job application took up all my day on account of elaborate selection criteria. As a result of my stupid three application goal, I rushed the rest of the process. I wrote a very bizarre cover letter and I fear I may have submitted incomplete information. I had over two weeks left to submit the application for that job. If I hadn't been so gung-ho, I could have improved my chances significantly. We live and learn.

3. Write this Stuff Earlier in the Day

I'm fricking tired. As a result, this blog post is half-arsed. I need to put it a little bit earlier in the schedule.

4. Community is Awesome

Yep. What a show!

Day 12: A Surprisingly Fruitful Day of Nothing

Today was a damn good day. Not necessarily a productive day - but a highly enjoyable one nonetheless.

In regards to the traditional realms of a productivity, I did the bare minimum. I tinkered with some beats, wrote a strangely awesome synth line and reworked one of my older songs. Or started to, anyway. I also cleaned up the house (just by the by - my continued cleanliness is actually one of the major accomplishments of this blog), did some swimming and did an interview for the magazine.

I didn't actually do any of the additional exercise, though - and mainly because I had such a great day. I spontaneously helped out a friend with a radio show and inadvertently ran into one of my favourite people in the city (who also came in to help out the show). It was great catching up and bouncing off the guy. We actually ended up going out for drinks afterwards with another friend - and that was some of the most fun I'd had in ages.

When I came home, I was intending on doing the rest of the exercise but I decided against it. Typically, this would bother me to no end. I didn't mind today, though. I think it's because I'm not copping out because I'm lazy so much as tired and fulfilled after a great day. I think as long as you're having a break for the right reasons, it's perfectly acceptable.

Maybe I'll feel differently about it tomorrow...

Day 11: No Exercise?!

I didn't exercise today. I fully intended to but I ultimately decided that I needed to stick to the proposed schedule of 5 days on, 1 day off if I was to stop it from becoming an all-consuming obsession. It felt fucking bizarre, too. I felt out of sorts all day. I'm looking forward to swimming tomorrow (kind of - it's somewhat excruciating).

I didn't get much done in other areas. I was at work for most of the day. I did socialise, though, and it just kind of emphasised that I really need to do it more often.

There's a bunch of other stuff to talk about but I'm knackered so I'm going to have to bow out. Tomorrow.

Day 10: The Non-Event

Not much happened today. It was basically all work today - the two jobs collided and conspired to siphon my time away for the day.

Note: potential lyric.

I did get some stuff done. I managed to sort out my references. I set up preliminary meetings about the release of the EP. I went swimming for the second day and actually stuck around for half an hour (and, thank fuck, I got in touch with my brother for some technique tips - should make it slightly easier) and I tidied up the house a bit. Oh, and I kept up the standard exercise bidness on top of the swimming.

I think I need to think more about the whole social aspect, though. I'm kind of vanishing into this comprehensive world of obsession and, I suspect, it's messing with my self-esteem. I've found myself feeling like a very average, mundane person and that's quite unusual. I wouldn't say I've always had a healthy ego but I generally keep a tight grip on my self-awareness (as this blog probably demonstrates). Even when I've felt utterly depressed and/or suicidal, I've known, intellectually, that I am a reasonably exceptional and distinctive person. Lately, I've even doubted my capacity to write well - arguably my only undeniable talent.

I've also realised I need to socialise more through the realisation that I'm not that brilliant at it. Lately, I've found myself confounded by the concept of how two people connect on an emotional level. Not that I'm incapable of it, more that I can't figure out how/why it occurs. I'm not sure if that complaint makes me stupidly adolescent, human or just pretentious. In any regard, social relationships are something I need to put some effort into - though I'm loathe to make it part of the daily regimen. Forced socialising? I'd feel like a nazi experiment. Or a high school student.

This bears further investigation.

 

Day 9: Obsession Juggling and The Best Beat Evah

I can feel my obsessive nature gradually taking over my work ethics. This is a good thing. Needs to be balanced, though. At the moment, I'm obsessed with the music-making. I spent hours today tinkering with a beat and a significant amount of my remaining time emailing people about the production of the debut EP.

The time was hardly wasted. The beat - a beautiful, four-bar piece of architecture built from taikos, shakers, handclaps, Amen breaks and big breathy kick drums - is close to the purest distillation for the kind of sound I'm going for in my music I've made as yet. I tried to upload it but soundcloud's screwing around. Once it's up, you will hear it, trust me. It's not quite complete - still need to tweak it - but the pattern is fantastic. Outside of the beat, I set myself a goal to release my debut EP by February's end and I made headway towards that goal.

These advances, however, came at the expense of some other work. While I didn't neglect the domestic stuff or the exercise stuff - I even went for a brief swim - I didn't make much progress on the employment front. My reason was that I needed to sort out my references but I question whether that was a legitimate concern. I'm never quite sure about the difference between sensible pauses/rests and lazing about or copping out.

In any case, I'll just have to make amends for it tomorrow.  

Day 8: It Begins to Kick In

Well, I think this whole thing is starting to work. I'm starting to feel an urge to be productive. I just want to do stuff. Today wasn't the most successful day but progress is definitely being made. Creatively, I finished a remix that I've been trying to get done for months (aside from mixdown - I despise mixdown) and I sketched out two beats. I don't really like the sonic qualities of either beat but I'm reasonably sure that's just because they're unmixed. Patternwise, one of them is pretty solid and the other fucking rules. It's this skittery four-bar Venetian Snares sort of beat laid over a typical kind of ghetto groove. One of the things I really wanted to implement when I started to do this hip hop was kind of drum'n'bass/drill/breakcore rhythms so it's really satisfying to have one at my disposal. Still needs refinement but it's sounding awesome.

Outside of the creative stuff, I maintained the domestic stuff and I did the exercise. Crucially, I also looked at two jobs. One of them I can't apply for just yet because I need to finetune my resume and my references but the other I plan to tackle tomorrow. Oh yeah, and on the exercise front, I finally managed to hit the next level of one of my fitness routines. When I started, the directive was to do:

20 x Alternating Lunges
15 x Box Jumps (these made me cry)
10 x Push-Ups
20 x One Leg Deadlifts
15 x Hip Touches
10 x Dips
20 x Step-Ups
15 x Bench Squats
10 x Arm/Leg Sit-Ups

Five times in half an hour. I didn't do that. I managed three. For a long time, I've been stuck on four. Tonight, I did five - and it wasn't that big a thang. I think it might actually mean it's time for me to move onto another form of exercise. The usual ones are no longer as demanding. Fortunately, tomorrow I take my first stab at swimming. This kind of scares me. Swimming is hardcore.

Day 7: Recovery and Humility

Another day of next to nothing. Exercise, yeah, and a lot of thoughts about creativity and my ongoing quest for perfection but most of the day recovering from last night's festivities. My body was wrecked from dancing all day at Hangar (and the usual exercise) and I was just generally exhausted. Was it a cop out day? I don't think so. I don't think I could have done much more in the state I was in. Still, can't let these last two days become a pattern.

In regards to the thoughts, I just kind of realised how far behind I am. Perhaps that sounds stupid. I just know that socially and intellectually I am unbelievably underdeveloped for my age - and I know that both aspects will inevitably impinge upon other facets of my development. I suppose it's a good thing, in a way. The wisest man is he who knows he knows nothing at all and all that nonsense. It's a frustrating realisation, though. I feel I should be a lot more than I am right now.  

Day 6:

It's nearly 3am. I'll be brief. I didn't do much domestic stuff. I spent most of the day at a video shoot and most of the night at gigs. I did get my exercise done and, just now, I've sketched out some rhymes for the first time in ages. Has nothing to do with what they're supposed to but it's something. It doesn't flow quite as well as I'd like and I haven't tried it with a beat but, like I said, it's something. I even have a vague, vague idea for a chorus.

Lyrics:

Her eyes don’t dance quite like I thought they might. Slight of build but strong of will, I’d sighted something vibrant in her temperament when first we met that night which filled me with the ill-informed intrigue of the inveterately romantic gentleman’s archetypal flight of fantasy but, unfortunately, I was misled. Once again, instead of confidence, I met with self-defence – bruised sentiment crudely obscured by tactless intellect. I wouldn’t really care if she’d just be honest. Nobody’s perfect. Yet, across the salt and pepper shakers, I can once again see a barrier taking shape as a quaking figure seeks to veil shame behind vacant displays of flirtation and mind games.
     

Day 5: Relaxery?

I don't think today was quite as strong as yesterday but I do think progress is being made. I took a day off exercise because my joints were starting to feel funny. They felt better after stretching and, for a long time, I was determined to push through the pain and continue the routine regardless - but then I remembered that this whole thing was based on not letting obsession take over my life. So I took a break. Honestly, I've learnt over the years that you really, really, really need to learn how to rest and recuperate if you ever want to make any progress in life. I'm just always scared a rest will turn into a break will turn into a stall. Still, that's what the blog is for.

In other areas, I stayed productive. My house is still relatively tidy and I transcribed my interview with David Harrington. I found a job I really want to apply for and I fully intend to follow it up once I've got my references in a row. I plan to apply for it sometime next week. It's well out of my league but I need experience at applying for jobs so it'll hardly be a worthless exercise to tackle it.

Creatively, I made a little bit of progress. I finally uploaded the last batch of remixes I did under my Holy Cow alias to soundcloud (which is something I've been meaning to do for a while) and, more importantly, I actually revisited a remix I kind of threw away a long time ago. It actually had a lot of really great stuff in it. It just lacked development from a structural perspective. It was lazy. I'm looking forward to improving it, though, and getting it finally done and dusted.

I tried writing some rhymes but I didn't get very far. Still, the rust will come off eventually.

I'm hoping to go swimming tomorrow but I don't know if I'll follow through. I'm honestly quite scared of swimming as exercise. It's really fucking demanding and I actually like the confidence of doing stuff I'm good at from an exercise perspective (running, freeweights). We'll see how we go.    

Day 4: Progress

Much more successful today. I still didn't make much headway on the employment front but I got a lot of domestic stuff done as well as the standard exercise routine. I'm particularly proud of today because I've been trying to maintain my exercise routine for five days straight for nearly a month but without much success. Today marks the first time I've done it in ages. What's more, I'm reasonably sure I'm not injured, so I should be able to keep it up. Usually, I have to take a break after five because my body is just too worn out.

I didn't get much done on the creative front but I still made an effort. I've realised that I've left my creative habits dormant for too long. They've started to atrophy. I really need to make a conscious effort to do more of it each day if I'm to get any better at it. All I managed today is a concept for a song - Iron Guts.

All my life, I've had trouble dealing with the reality of the world. One of the reasons I didn't become a news journalist was because I knew I lacked the stomach to look at tragedy in such an unfeeling way every day of my life - which I think most would agree is a necessity of the profession. I can't even read the paper most days because the news - and the presentation thereof - is so upsetting. However, if I'm to accomplish anything, I know I need to man up enough to actually look at the face of tragedy. I need to actually grasp the practical realities of the problems I supposedly would like to fix.

That's what I'd like the next song to be about, anyway.

Day 3: Sluggish and Love

Ugh. I felt like I was moving through molasses today. I don't know if it was sleep deprivation or simply the change in the weather but I was groggy and malicious. Exercise didn't help either. I'm beginning to think my fitness regimen may be more demanding than I thought. Still, we press on.

In regards to the five categories I laid out today, I failed big time. I did the exercise and I went to work but I otherwise idled my time away. I didn't fully realise until this morning just how much time I squander dancing around my lounge room. It seriously would have been about three hours today - three hours of just strutting around and being a badass to Eminem.

Yep, just as lame as it sounds. That's how I roll.

I have had two thoughts about this endeavour, though. The first is that, for all of these things to be accomplished, they need nourishment. Not of the flesh (though that's obviously kind of important) but of the mind and soul (ha - gaaaaay). I was watching Avatar: The Last Airbender earlier today and I was thinking about how the stuff I create and develop is shaped by that which I put in front of myself. Maybe I should make an effort to partake of more culturally expansive stimuli?

The counterpoint to this line of thinking would be that a wise man can see more from the bottom of a well than a fool can see from the top of a mountain - but, then, imagine what a wise man could see from the top of the mountain? "If less is more, think how much more more will be," as Frasier once said...

The other came from a couple of the interviews that have been doing over the past couple of days. Specifically, my conversations with David Harrington of the Kronos Quartet and world-conquering super DJ Hernan Cattaneo.

These two have accomplished a buttload of stuff (as opposed to the more popular stuffload of butt). Harrington formed the Kronos Quartet when he was twenty-three and it's since gone on to become arguably the most adventurous and celebrated chamber music ensemble of the twentieth century while Cattaneo is just widely acknowledged to be a freakishly brilliant DJ by all and sundry. Speaking to both artists, I was struck by the same realisation: everything they have accomplished has been fuelled by a genuine love for what they do.

I know that sounds obvious but, in my experience, it's rarely that simple. I've spoken to literally thousands of artists. Honestly, most of them do it because they have nothing else to do. A lot of them do it because they can get away with it. Some are motivated by ambition or insecurity. Actually, a lot of them are probably motivated by insecurity. Basically, there's a whole bunch of motivations besides love.

Cattaneo and Harrington (man, I would watch the shit out of that detective show...), however, are so abundantly defined by this overflowing enthusiasm and affection for what they do. Harrington spent the last third of his interview explaining in exquisite detail what initially drew him to George Crum's Black Angels (the piece that directly led to the formation of the Kronos Quartet). Cattaneo drew a line from parties he used to throw as a kid all the way through to his barnstorming performance at The Family a couple of years back. They were both like kids, actually.

What does this have to do with my little self-improvement quest? Well, it made me realise that, if I don't love what I'm doing, I will eventually burn out. Simple as that. I can force myself to go through the motions but I know it won't last. To quote Inception, "I think positive emotion trumps negative emotion every time" - or, more elegantly, Leonard Cohen - "Love is the only engine of survival".

Again, all of that could seem really obvious but it seemed important to me.

And it's my blog.

So, you know.

Just fuck off, then?   

Day 2: The First Day (Sort Of)

Today was hard. One of the things I always forget about endeavours like this blog is that one must contend with the reality of being an adult and being human. I've tried to incorporate that perspective into my projects but I think one only really grows accustomed to it with age - and I am still quite young.

For example, today was spent mostly working in my day job. I interviewed three artists (DJ Krush, The Snowdroppers and David Harrington of the Kronos Quartet). When I wasn't preparing or conducting one of those interviews, I was trying to polish off my Mr Maps remix. I despise mixdowns of tracks. I suck at mixing. I'm great with ideas and I can write semi-interesting music but mixing I just plain don't do very well.

What do these activities have to do with the reality of being an adult? Well, they exhausted me. I often like to think that my work isn't tremendously taxing. Physically speaking, it isn't even slightly demanding. The worst stress I am placed under these days is my horrible posture when typing (I am, as I write, shaped vaguely like a question mark) - so it frustrates me that a day of interviews and remixing can just plain wear me out.

I didn't do much else besides that. I did look at jobs and I tinkered with some beats and phrases (I have a great distorted kalemba line but no idea what to do with the thing) but I was mostly just burnt out. It took every ounce of strength not to cop out on the whole exercise gambit. I pushed through, though, which means the day hasn't been a total waste.

I've decided I need to be a little bit more structured about this thing, though, so, as of tomorrow, I'm dividing my work into roughly four categories. In no particular order:

1. Health and Fitness
2. Creating Stuff (be that music or writing)
3. Career Creative (Setting up meetings, rehearsals et cetera)
4. Domestic Work (Tidying my room, making sure I don't live in complete sloth)
5. Work Work (ie looking AND APPLYING for jobs)

I figure I should try and evaluate each day in regards to how much I invested in each of those sections. I should try and invest a little bit in each part each day. I think it will be a good score card.

  

Day 1: The Story So Far

Okay.

I just typed a long post. The computer promptly deleted it. This one will be significantly shorter.

This is a daily blog. It's my attempt to use my obsessive tendencies to become a better, more impressive person - both in the sense of doing impressive, unusual things (writing hip hop music, running ten kilometres a day) and being a responsible adult (tidying my room, maintaining a consistent exercise regimen). I have an obsessive nature that means I can do amazing things but too often that obsessive nature distracts me from my work.

(For example, from Saturday to Wednesday of last week, I was reading books #29-#54 of the Animorphs series. I got nothing done.)

This blog is about becoming obsessive about working in general. Each day, I will work towards one of my many goals and then post the results here. I hope to have people comment on the process so I can become better at what I do. Primarily, though, I just want to develop a good, focussed work ethic and become a better person. I know that sounds lame. I can't really do much about that, though.

For day 1, I thought I'd list several of the things I'm hoping to work on through this blog:

1) Secure more permanent employment (I literally have no idea how much money I made last week.)
2) Work on my music (I make hip hop music - it doesn't suck, I promise)
3) Write my play
4) Maintain a consistent exercise regimen (one of my more recent obsessions)

And plenty of other stuff. Today, I managed to put some time into 2-4. I finished off a remix for Mr Maps, I set up a meeting to discuss my play (with someone who knows way more about this shit than I do) and I crammed in my standard 90minutes of exercise.

Till tomorrow.

Also, fuck computers.